Heart of the Matter

The reason I went to nursing school is that I felt a calling. I was watching a movie with my family and there was one scene that was very touching. I heard a voice saying, you can do that, you can help people, go be a nurse.

I had no desire at all to go back to school. I already had one degree that was doing me no good. I didn't want another one. I had a simple, happy life. And as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

But I couldn't ignore this. It was just as real to me as my children sitting next to me on the couch. And I did feel a desire to be a friend to older people and be able to help them. So, even with no science background at all, I began to make sense of it.

Everything fell into place for me. I finished my prerequisites with a 4.0. I began a love affair with the human body, both structure and physiology. I was admitted to an accelerated nursing program while many were being turned away from ANY program. I finished nursing school in fifteen months with A's and B's and one C. I never missed a clinical day, was never late. My teachers liked me. My preceptors liked me. I got good comments on my evaluations. My boyfriend helped with the children and cooked for us on clinical days. It worked out. I believed with all my heart that I was following the path that had been set before me, even though it was not a path I would have chosen for myself.

And now I cannot find a job. But what that really means in my own heart language is that I am not needed.

I could not figure out why I felt so incredibly bad during my job hunt. How could I get so down after just a few rejections. And the reason is: I thought I would be needed.

I am not.

It is like cooking a meal for someone who has already eaten on the way home. What am I going to do with all this food? Of course, the "food" is unnecessary education, a depleted savings account, and a mountain of debt.

Another Route Revisited

I went to the school nurse's office today. As soon as she saw me she said, "I know what we're supposed to do now."

She took my phone number and sent me to the administration office to sign volunteer papers. This girl is helpful and efficient. I can't wait to work with her!

I filled out my papers and they told me they had to check out any HIPPA rules I would need to sign off on. I told her I had been trained out the wazoo on HIPPA. Still I have to wait til she calls me to begin volunteering.

I checked my bank account today. It doesn't look good. I won't last much longer. I started the application for food stamps out of desperation.

I began filling out the application for flu shot clinics. Their website says, graduate nurses are welcome! I nearly fainted!

Tomorrow I will send a thankyou note to the lady who never called me back...

Another Route

So I called the administrative office and found out that my name has never been removed from the substitute list! I updated my information for her: phone number, degrees earned, etc.. It's really a little embarrassing how much education I have, but I told her my whole sad story.

Then she asked if I would like to be a substitute school nurse.

What?

I never thought of that!

So I will go through with my original plan to train with the school nurse and maybe that will work out to be to my advantage here. Somehow.

I feel a very pensive post coming on... Stay tuned.

Surprise!

No phone call.

More applications.

I'm going to the administration office to tell them I want to substitute teach again. This is ridiculous. Maybe I can give flu shots on the weekends, too, just to make ends meet.

Day Off

I'm not worrying about a job today. I even threw caution to the wind yesterday and bought the boys lunch at Taco Bell!

Maybe D will take me to the Yamboree and buy me a funnel cake tonight.

I'm reading "A Beautiful Mind." It's really nice to not be in nursing school anymore. Now I can read what I want. And put the book down when I want.

Glimmer of Hope

Trying to put some space between my eloquence and the ads.

Ha.

I had an interview today. It's funny how you start answering every phone call you get whether you know the number or not, when you're trying to find a job.

So I went ahead and told the ADON my strengths and weaknesses. I just thought, hang it all, I'm not going to try to say what I think she wants me to say. I'm going to say what I want to say, and what's true, and what I care about.

I think she liked it.

There is no day shift work available, but 10-6 would work fairly well for me and D. and the boys. I told her this and she offered to try to shuffle some things around and get back to me on Monday.

This the closest I've gotten yet.

Another Day of Being Unemployed

I have learned how to make paragraph breaks, so I will try it in this entry. Maybe I won't create another huge block of hard to read text.

I filled out another tedious application and took it to the nursing home. The staff member I handed my resume to asked me, "LVN or RN?"

"RN," I said.

She raised her eyebrows like it was impressive or unusual. I wish it was. I didn't tell her I had a bachelor's degree. It is not something I like to share. It seems to only make things harder. Who wants to hire an older BSN when you can hire a young LVN or ADN?

I do find myself growing a little bitter sometimes. I have to fight against it. I open the blinds to let in the sunlight as soon as I get up in the morning so I can catch myself before I sink into my little sea of despair.

Change of Plans

It was my intention to chronicle my first year working as a nurse. I thought it would be interesting to nursing students to read about another nurse's experience. However, and this is a huge however, I passed the NCLEX a month ago and I have had only one interview, no job offers. So, instead of waiting around to start writing, I decided to chronicle my job search. I have sent numerous applications and resumes out into cyberspace and have come to the conclusion that this is a massive waste of time, except for one, which was for a designated graduate nurse position with a hospital. If chosen for an interview with this hospital, I will have to schlep around collecting letters of recommendation and copies of my school transcripts. If hired, I would start work in January. It is now October! There are so many reasons why I hope I already have a job by then! My one interview so far was with a nursing home, which is where I think I really want to work. Tomorrow will be a week since my interview, and I'm not holding out much hope. My suspicion is that my age is a factor. I am 52 and will be 53 in January. No one can tell me this because it is illegal to discriminate because of age, but I am sure it is true. I am considering deleting my B.A. from my resume since it dates me. Today I will fill out two more applications for nursing homes. Next week I will begin volunteering with the school nurse at my son's school. I don't need to waste any more time. And perhaps I can count volunteering as experience.

Beginning with the End

I remember what it was like to look around at the faces of the other new graduate nurses on the stage with me, and the faces of those in the audience while my friend read a column I had written for a nursing magazine. I tried so hard to be impressed with myself and my great accomplishment of graduating from nursing school, but I just really couldn't do it. And I wasn't impressed with my success as a writer, either, but so happy to be able to hear my words and watch people listening to them. After the ceremony, I posed for pictures with my classmates, knowing that I would probably never see some of them again. It was poignant. I never made a point of bondng with anyone especially, but it is very difficult not to become attached to people you spend so much time with for over a year, no summer breaks. I was impressed with each woman and her story. One had a baby during school and I just don't know how she did it all. Nursing school is very difficult anyway, and when you think of giving birth to your first child in addition to all the studying and clinical hours, it boggles the mind. Another classmate was raising five children, one of whom was quite small, plus still working as a pharmacist. All are wonderful role models for anyone who needs someone to look up to, and I feel very lucky to know each one. The title of this entry comes from the fact that graduation is the end of sschool, but the beginning of something else. I don't know what it will be. I'm eager to discover it.