Heart of the Matter

The reason I went to nursing school is that I felt a calling. I was watching a movie with my family and there was one scene that was very touching. I heard a voice saying, you can do that, you can help people, go be a nurse.

I had no desire at all to go back to school. I already had one degree that was doing me no good. I didn't want another one. I had a simple, happy life. And as they say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

But I couldn't ignore this. It was just as real to me as my children sitting next to me on the couch. And I did feel a desire to be a friend to older people and be able to help them. So, even with no science background at all, I began to make sense of it.

Everything fell into place for me. I finished my prerequisites with a 4.0. I began a love affair with the human body, both structure and physiology. I was admitted to an accelerated nursing program while many were being turned away from ANY program. I finished nursing school in fifteen months with A's and B's and one C. I never missed a clinical day, was never late. My teachers liked me. My preceptors liked me. I got good comments on my evaluations. My boyfriend helped with the children and cooked for us on clinical days. It worked out. I believed with all my heart that I was following the path that had been set before me, even though it was not a path I would have chosen for myself.

And now I cannot find a job. But what that really means in my own heart language is that I am not needed.

I could not figure out why I felt so incredibly bad during my job hunt. How could I get so down after just a few rejections. And the reason is: I thought I would be needed.

I am not.

It is like cooking a meal for someone who has already eaten on the way home. What am I going to do with all this food? Of course, the "food" is unnecessary education, a depleted savings account, and a mountain of debt.